Obama Stimulus Plan Can Be A Win For Everybody

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Tiger Woods is going back to work today, the morning after President Obama’s address to Congress.

If I were Bobby Jindal, who is touted by many in the media as a rising Republican star, I would give Phil Mickleson a call, to see how he deals with the fact that he doesn’t have a chance in hell to catch the world’s number one golfer. Because that’s about how Jindal came across during his Republican response to President Obama’s address – okay, but no where near as good as Obama. Jindal looked more like a third year medical resident than the head elected official of Lousiana.

As I watched the people in the House chamber clamber over one another to get close to President Obama as he made his way through the room, I thought of Mr. Woods, another biracial American legend, who routinely generates the same type of enthusiasm. The PGA’s current fortunes aren’t quite as bad as the fiscal crisis the nation is in, but its future depends greatly on the efforts of one Eldrick “Tiger” Woods Jr. to bolster its declining ratings before the time comes to renegotiate TV and sponsorship agreements.

Woods has an unmatched temperament, unrivaled shot making ability, incomparable length off the tee, matchless drive and a mind boggling will to win. He has given the PGA the identity of a winner. From what I’ve seen so far, President Obama has the capability, the smarts, the demeanor, the energy and the will to do the same for America.

If I were Governor Jindal, or Governor Crist, or Governor Schwarzenegger, or Governor Sanford, or even Governor Palin, I'd try to look at the big picture, the way all the other guys on the PGA Tour do when they think about Tiger. Even when they lose to Woods, they still win, because ALL their paychecks have just about tripled since Woods came to the Tour thirteen years ago.

Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican right now, a win for the Obama stimulus plan is a win for everybody.

Moving On To Your Next Shot

President Obama, you've had a long week. Lost a nominee. Had to cut stimulus plan. Capped exec pay at banks living on the federal dime.

And I imagine, just two weeks into living at the White House, that you've had to make some adjustments. Tried to get used to the brand new mattress they put on your brand new bed. Wondered how long it would take to get used to the whole live/work/play in one space idea. Wistfully recalled the days when you could get the attention of five or ten million of us from your computer without even putting on a tie.

The good thing about your new job, Mr. President, is that its a lot like playing on the PGA golf tour. Every time you get ready to tee it up, there is a scoreboard, right behind you, that shows how you're doing. The world's number one golfer, Tiger Woods, doesn't always get the ball on the fairway. He doesn't always hit the green on his approach shot. He might end up with a lie beside a tent, or behind a tree, or next to a rock.

Getting in trouble on one or two holes, even if they are back to back, doesn't faze Mr. Woods. He does what he has to do - turns the club head backwards, swings from a left sided stance, putts with his driver off the fringe- whatever it takes to get the ball in the hole.

And on Sundays, more often than not, he is in one of the final groups, with a chance to win.

So don't worry about these bumps in the road this week, Mr. President. You're still on the first hole, lining up your approach.

Just take a presidential mulligan, and bring your "A" game the rest of the way.

And when you've made a bad call, like you did with Daschle, leave it behind you. Move on to the next shot. When you've got to play politics, like you've done all week with Congress, and Rush, and us, including today on your radio address, come at it from any which way you need to in order to get the outcome you think the American public deserves.


And when you need to do a little trash talking, like you've done about Wall Street execs...


...back it up with a bold shot.

Off The Record

In an innermost recess of CNN:

"The Oh-bahma Admini-stration-"

"Say it slower this time, Charlie. You're our best anchor - the phone will be ringing off the hook if you sound like you're spitting his name out."

"The Ohh-bahh-mah Ad-min-i-stra-tion-"

"Charlie - I didn't say sound like you were an idiot!"

"Dude, I got nothing to wrap my tongue around. Bush? 'Buh.' Clinton? 'Ccc.' Bush? 'Buh.' Reagan? 'Ruh.' THOSE are presidential names. I mean, Jesus Christ, his name starts with a vowel!"





At a presidential campaign headquarters:

"That son of a bitch must of worn a rubber every time. You can't find not one woman he abused? Are we even sure he's a man?"

"Senator, I understand your-"

"He has screwed someone, I mean screwed her and screwed her over - maybe in college - and now she wants to get him back. We just have to find her."

"Senator, our investigators are drawing blanks-"

"Jimmy, investigators do not draw blanks when their client is running for the presidency of the United States. I don't care who she is, I don't care how much you have to pay her to say he raped her. Raped her and beat her up. Just make sure she's blonde. Blonde and pale."



At a hotel bar after the NAACP national board meeting:

"So Roy, off the record, what do you think - is he black or what?"

"Gotta a black wife, go to a black church-"

"I don't mean that. What I'm saying is, how do we know he won't pull a Tiger Woods?"

"That Cablasian stuff? Come on, man - Tiger doesn't even believe that."

"Goddammit, Roy, you're beating around the bush. Will he still claim us if he wins?"



At a soul food restaurant/beauty shop/nail salon:

"Chile, that Michelle Obama got her a fine light skinned man."

"What you talkin' bout fine? You see them ears?"

"Chile, he give her girls that good hair. Ain't nothin' wrong with his ears."

"I get stuck with a man like that, first thing I'ma do is feed him. Ain't he skinny?"

"Chile - that man wear a size THIRTEEN shoe!"



At an American Legion Hall:

"I got underwear older'n that Hussein fella `sposed be runnin' for president."

"Didja heered Limbaugh say he used to be a drug dealer?"

"I still don't unnerstan' how they put that boy in the Senate."

"Didja ever know anybody whose mind wadn't OFF once they been on them drugs?"

"I ain't got nuthin' `ginst colored, but...you know whut I'm sayin' here..."



In the mall-sized parking lot of a prominent southern Baptist church:

"We in the final hour of this thing, and this little redbone negro who call his self a preacher got to SHOW HIS ASS every night on TV."

"Why hasn't she dropped out yet?"

"I'll bet that little negro is gettin' paid off. Selling us out for a bag of silver."

"Why isn't this thing over? You still didn't tell me what you thought about this new dress."

"I wish I would run up on him, talking `bout he a man of God. He'll be praying for me to take my hands from `round his neck!"



In a living room in a western state after dinner:

"Goddamn Democrats gonna turn me into a Republican! Turn that TV off, will ya honey?'"

"Dear, it's going to be alright. Didn't you tell me your new boss is black?"

"Yeah, but that's different. This is for the PRESIDENCY...to be the president of the United States!"

"Let's see...eats arugula lettuce...dotes on his children...doesn't really like beer...goes to church regularly - even if his pastor was crazy...sounds like a good husband."

"What the hell is arugula lettuce? Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, other than the thing with the lettuce, he sounds a lot like you, dear."