Things I Have Learned This Election Season

I feel like I've gotten a PhD in political doublespeak this year.

When John McCain's campaign was BEHIND almost ten points in the polls, what did he announce? "We've got them right where we want them".

At this point in the race, with four days left, I wouldn't be surprised at anything. Some of the other things I've learned this year:

• Huffington Post has headlines that are more misleading than the ones on the Drudge Report.

• John McCain wears $400 Ferragamo shoes - but HE can afford them.

• Sarah Palin has upgraded to a Neiman-Marcus wardrobe - but she has to give the clothes back at midnight on November 4th.

• Barack Obama owned a Chrysler 300 before he ran for president - now he has a Ford Escape hybrid - I don't know HOW he and Michelle fold those long-ass legs in THAT tiny pretend SUV.

• A "capitalist" is someone who takes money from the government when his business goes bad.

• A "supporter of free markets" is someone who takes government campaign funds instead of raising money from private citizens.

• A "socialist" is someone who pays for their own health insurance so their employer can pay out dividends to its stockholders.

• A "supporter of socialism" is someone who raises campaign funds from private citizens and manages to stay with their budget.

• Alaska is an "energy rich" state.

• Lump sum taxpayer financed bailouts are "rescue packages".

• Individual tax rebates to tax payers are 'welfare".

• "Mavericks" are allowed to stab each other in the back and still say they are on the same page.

• Cable news anchormen you see on your TV screen are smaller than they appear.

• One half-digested fact from the campaign trail can hold the interest of the entire cable and network news universe for 24 hours.

• The amount of a candidate's zeal for explaining his tax plan is inversely proportional to the likelihood that it will be implemented if the same candidate gets elected president.

• Casting your vote early only heightens your anxiety until Election Night.

• Black people can suspend "C. P. time" when they feel like it.