14 June 2010

Blacksheep Political Consulting Gives Alvin Greene Some Advice

Blacksheep Political Consulting is real busy right now running a whisper campaign against Rand Paul in the race to be the next senator from Kentucky, although we have been running out of ways to insinuate "this sum bitch is crazy", and our "before and after" Hair Club for Men style flyers depicting Paul without his toupe are running low.

But we can always make time for homeboys, especially when they are homeboys like my man Alvin Greene, who needs a political makeover in the worst way.

Alvin, my man, you can give us a call later this week - we are currently booked to go strip club hopping with Michael Steele for the next few days, since they've gotten some fresh donor cash over at the RNC, which means we probably won't be be all that interested in answering our phones unless its a 3G emergency. Your situation doesn't look good, but right now you are still at the 2G emergency level. So don't call us, we'll call you. 

For now, I'll shoot you a list of a few things you can be working on until we get to town.

#1 - You seem to be overly nervous on TV, and extremely careful of what you say, probably because you are worried about saying the wrong thing, or being caught in a lie.

This is politics, buddy. Lying 101 is a prerequisite to Graft 202, Advanced Lobbyist Shakedown Technique 320, and Talking Big, Doing Nothing 345. In fact, saying the craziest shit you can think off (i.e., "I can see Russia from my house", You lie!, "The president is a Muslim communist socialist Marxist anti-christ") will get your more supporters and more contributions than any policy stance ever will.

#2 - This phrase "I'm running on the issues" wouldn't get you elected class clown. Nobody knows what "the issues" are, but everybody knows what their single "issue" is. You could pick one of the biggies - abortion, gun control, first amendment - but then you would have to deal with all the people who are crazier than even you are coming out of the woodwork to either kneel at your feet or spit at your back.

You don't need to worry about this so much. The easiest way to do it is to adopt the entire platform of the Democratic Party, since they've worked so hard on it, then come up with a phrase that gives it a personal twist. This unemployment thing seems to be a hot button issue with you - how about "Jobs For America"? Simple, can be printed in big letters on t-shirts, is hard to forget, in case you doze off during an interview or a debate, and can be spun to mean more education, more tax breaks for the rich, more tax credits for the middle class, more stimulus packages or less government waste, less outsourcing, less anti-union laws, and less loopholes for corporations to jump through - a perfect "be what you need it to be" platitude that can allow you to fill souls and empty pockets at the same time.

#3 Speaking of money - there are tens of thousands of people across the country who are still sad they quit selling Pet Rocks or Magic Seahorses. This is your base. They will send you money just because your campaign is the kind of crazy, against all odds kind of long shot that gets their juices flowing.

Take it. All of it. If you grew up in Manning, and were born in Florence, which is just up I-95, then you have got plenty of relatives there that you can put on the payroll. In fact, I've got plenty of relatives there myself - will be forwarding you a list of names who need to be put on the payroll. Stay away from those political consultants out of Columbia, or black preachers out of anywhere - as soon as they smell the cash coming into your campaign, they will be lined up outside your door.

One thing Blacksheep Political Consulting can do to help you out is make the amount of our retainer so high you won't have any money left to give anyone else after you pay us and your/our relatives.

#4 The infamous Green Family Reunion t-shirt needs to be retired permanently. If you can't bear to burn it, we will take a picture of you wearing it that you can keep in your wallet, while we lock the actual shirt in our "dirty secrets we will bribe our clients with later" vault.

If you are really committed to looking like you are "one of the people" we will supply you with a few dozen t-shirts with the American flag across the front.

#5 The sexual misconduct charge is frankly, a lightweight accusation that wouldn't even rate if you were a GOP candidate. If there are any Rentboy.com adventures you haven't told us about, though, all bets are off.

Don't look at this pending felony charge as a weaknesss to be avoided. This is a perfect pivot point for you to bring up all the GOP sex scandals in the past year or two. It doesn't matter if they don't have any connection to your opponent Jim DeMint - all you have to do is "mis-remember" that he lived in the C-Street manison in D.C. where all of the other GOP fruitcakes, sex fiends, adulterers and molesters who served in Congress camped out away while they were away from home.

#6 Don't lean on Jim Demint too hard - if it comes out that one of his fatcat donors put up the cash for your adventure, or that he is connected to the vast right wing conspiracy's techno geek squad in charge of electronically switching votes, a conspiracy that is now in danger of being uncovered because one of their fat fingers slipped and typed in "100,000 votes for Greene" into the stealth software program piggybacked on the mainframe where the votes are tabulated, instead of "10,000 votes for Greene", you will have to go back to wearing that that green t-shirt and watching cable TV.

Which is something I don't think you want to do, Alvin, because as painful as it is for us to watch, you look like you ENJOY this attention. Dime Demint's cronies out and all the cameras go away. 

#7 Keep a diary. Do not update it once a week. Update it two or three times a day. Type the names, places, times, locations, what was said, what happened, how you feel about what is going on. Do not write this down - type it into the body of an email, and then email it to an account you have that nobody knows about. This will end up being the most valuable asset of your campaign, one that unscrupulous people will be willing to tear your house apart to get.

This diary will be your retirement plan, once you turn it into a "tell all" book. You will sell more copies than Sarah Palin. And with all those millions, you can take that "e" off of the end of your name and nobody will even recognize you. In fact, they will be so confused at why this black man doesn't have an "e" at the end of his name they probably won't even recognize you if you have on that damn green t-shirt.

Hey, the limo from the RNC called to say it was on the way...

...I gotta run.

Good luck, homeboy. We'll be calling you in a couple of days.

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