The Pimping Of Tiger Woods Has Begun

The entertainment TV executives around the world are rubbing their hands together like Bishop Magic Don Juan. The paparazzi are high fiving each other all over the world - "fo shizzle, Tizzle's bizzles brangin' big dizzles" - and somewhere deep in the heart of the internet, engineers for Google are rewriting their algorithms to make sure the phrase "Tiger Woods mistresses" has the maximum impact on their fourth quarter numbers.

Street pimps have nothing on the original pimps, these descendants of the middle men and shysters who invented prostitution centuries ago. I have wondered in the last couple of days how the Kennedy years would have been remembered if Entertainment Tonight had the president's alleged girlfriends on every night. If Glen Beck and Sean Hannity and Nancy Grace wailed about Kennedy's association with Frank Sinatra every night.

I have gone back and forth over whether or not I should mention the former owner of the most famous white Ford Bronco in the world, but even though the circumstances are vastly different, even though Mr. Woods not has been and will not be charged with any crime, for the purposes of the corporate and legal pimp game, one of them is as good as the other.

It is as if these crisis vultures have been lying dormant since the 90's, disappointed that Kobe wasn't a serial sexual aggressor, or that Michael Vick didn't claim he was innocent and subject himself to a long circus of a trial. There wasn't enough time, there wasn't enough people involved, there wasn't enough money involved, and the wronged women, when there were women, were not blond.

Tiger Woods will buy more Cadillac Escalades and more second homes than he ever imagined. He will pay for more boob jobs and more facelifts and personal trainers for women he will never meet. He will launch the national careers of half a dozen no name TV announcers, and spawn a spate of new TV talk show hosts who cut their teeth on Tiger Talk.

El Tigre will hook up black men he's never met and doesn't claim, black men whose brown skin will gleam more alluringly to white women who want to believe that dating sleeping with a black man is taking a walk on the wild side, is doing something slightly exotic and vaguely dangerous.

Doing public penance has Michael Vick pronouncing entire syllables. It has stopped him from chopping off the end of his words. It has gotten him to open his mouth wider when he speaks. And it has shown him how the simple act of standing up straight and looking directly at his audience without flinching is more powerful than ten thousand half-assed apologies when it comes to getting people to trust you.

Maybe Tiger should have been a dogfighter. The prison time would be shorter than anything he is likely to get from the court of public opinion, even though he has not been accused of any criminal act. The man will have a mountain of lemons by the time this finally dies down finally stops paying the crisis pimps enough money.

I say let's help him make some lemonade.

The wife is toast. The opinions of too many other women will kill any chance they mighta coulda woulda had, however infinitesimal that was likely to be.

And his jet doesn't run on self-pity.

Since the Cablinasian community probably isn't going to step up to support their favorite son, I say we lay off coming up with some of the best x-rated Tiger jokes I've heard and put a little pimp move on ourselves. Since Tiger will inevitably be buying his dignity back, one special interest group at a time, I say we cut to the front of the line - or maybe not, since the girl who did that at Walmart got popped for a felony. But back to business.

Instead of First Tee, how about First Laptop? Or First Internet Connection? First Bank Account? First SAT Prep Course? First Tutor?

Michael Vick got pimped by the animal rights groups before he even went to jail.

You people need to come up with something quick - the bad thing about counting someone eles's money is, that person always seem to have less than you think they have. In case you can't remember anything else that happened this year, Michael Jackson had less money than everybody thought too. And these crisis pimps are chopping up as much of Tiger's Take as they can even as we speak. They are keeping it "pimpin' pimpin'" by the billable hour.

If somebody whipped up some letterhead and came up with a name, we could have our first press release next week.

Can you imagine Nike paying for an army of tutors to invade inner city hoods? Tractor trailer trucks full of brand new sneakers, parked next to check cashing centers, as Nike runs its own "Glocks for Jordans" program?

I'm partial to "First SAT Prep Course" and "First Tutor" myself.

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carl said...

I cannot get over how quickly some of Tiger's sponsors are "re-evaluating their relationship with him." First it was Gatorade and now others are following suit. Apparently the only thing more exciting than the rise of a celebrity is his fall. I hope Tiger cruises out of this one.

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